Finding the Dead Body

Dead Romanian Oscar Party

2011-02-28T13:34:00.000-05:00

We all got dressed in our fancy clothes last night and watched the Oscars on TV.

And just like that, my dead Romanian ancestors find a new home on blogger.

When Jello Attacks 2

2011-02-24T08:28:00.000-05:00

It was my first shift as night watchman at the top secret government laboratory.

The earnest young scientist who ran the lab left me with explicit instructions.

One, he said, don't touch any of the experiments.
And, two, and he was quite emphatic here, don't let anyone gain access to the lab.

It was a quiet night, boring, to be honest. I made my rounds. I didn't understand any of it, especially the part about how scientists at the lab could use the tiniest of bugs to conduct important genetic research.

I was starting to get hungry. I'd forgotten to bring anything to eat and the cafeteria, of course, was closed. Then I noticed something odd. Someone had left a package at the lab's front door.

That's right, a box of jello.

A box of orange jello. No harm in that. So I opened the door. What could possibly go wrong?

That's when the mini robotic aliens came swarming out of the box!

They were tiny, but they were clever. They went straight for the computer that controlled the entire operation. They knew exactly which keys to jump on. It didn't take them long to disable the computer.

The scientists were unprepared for the scene that awaited them in the morning.

The lab was overrun with gigantic bugs.

And me? What happened to me, I hear you asking.

I was up to my ass, and then some, in radioactive orange jello.

What, Me worry?

NaNoWriMo Tip #18

2010-11-30T14:57:00.001-05:00

Well, I didn't manage to post 30 tips in 30 days, but it's November 30 and I guess I ought to post one final tip for those of you who are still reading. And it's funny, according to the stats, some of you are still reading. After today, I'll have to decide what I want to do with this site. I shifted my NaNo tips here rather than tie up The Chalk Outline throughout November with NaNoWriMo. So now I need to think about whether there's a reason to keep this blog active. Anyway...

Many of the folks who participate in NaNoWriMo do so for the joy of writing, with no greater ambition than to reach 50,000 words and have fun doing it. Which is remarkably sensible. But some of you aspire to becoming a published writer. And, let's be honest, a few of you are already fantasizing about who's going to play the heroine when your manuscript becomes a best-selling book and your best-selling book becomes a movie. So I feel like I ought to devote one tip to the subject of publishing.

I read an interesting quote not long ago. "When you die, I believe, God isn't going to ask you what you published. God's going to ask you what you wrote." (T.M. McNally, "Big Dogs and Little Dogs," in Rules of Thumb, Martone and Neville). There's a certain wisdom to that remark, but, with all due respect to McNally and to God, the Almighty isn't in my target demographic. God, perhaps, will read my unpublished manuscripts, but the ladies in the Killer Coffee Club won't read my books unless they're published.

I have been an unpublished author, a self-published author and a traditionally published author, so I believe I may have some perspective on the subject. There is a difference, although the difference is not necessarily in the writing. In my own experience, being a traditionally published author is more work. It's also more fun. It's not necessarily more profitable (for the author). And it's not necessarily better writing. It's entirely possible that the best manuscript I've ever written is the one that is unpublished and will never be published. But when you're traditionally published, they teach you the secret handshake. And you get the decoder ring.

If you want to be published, it starts by writing the best book you're capable of writing. It starts there, but it surely doesn't end there. Because writing a great book is an art. But selling a great book is a business. If that sounds cold, that's only because it is.

So, put the finishing touch on your manuscript. Pour yourself a drink (make it a double).

NaNoWriMo Tip the last
Don't take advice from strange men on the internet.

NaNoWriMo Tip #17

2010-11-26T05:11:00.003-05:00

NaNoWriMo Tip #17 - Write a multi-generational family saga.
No matter the genre or the current word count, allow your characters to die - let them die peacefully in their sleep at a ripe old age, or horribly at the hands of a crazed killer in the prime of life, it matters not - just let them die with their secrets. Now let their secrets fester in the attic for generations. Let their secrets play havoc with subsequent generations. Let their secrets, finally, be revealed to a grandchild or great-grandchild or great-great-grandchild. Obviously, you should let the extent of your word count shortage determine the correct number of generations.

I'll keep this tip short today because some of you have family trees to create. But make sure to stop back tomorrow for another NaNoWriMo tip of the day.

NaNoWriMo Tip #16

2010-11-25T07:18:00.000-05:00

Note: I'm getting my turkey out of the apple brine and don't have time to log onto my account this morning. I'm hoping that the monkeys (Tip #13) have something ready to post. Let's see.

BaNaNaWriMo Tip #16 - Monkeys, like most creative types, need an occasional day off.
Have a happy Thanksgiving and come back tomorrow for a proper NaNoWriMo tip of the day.

NaNoWriMo Tip #15

2010-11-24T04:54:00.001-05:00

Long before Buzz Lightyear proclaimed, "To infinity and beyond!" I learned all about infinity from Land o Lakes butter.

On the box, an Indian squaw holds a box of Land o Lakes butter. On the box that she's holding, there is, of course, the same Indian squaw holding the same box of butter. The eye quickly fails, but in your mind you can see that box-squaw-box-squaw pattern continuing into infinity. If you're worried that you're not going to reach 50,000 words, remember the lesson of Land o Lakes butter.

NaNoWriMo Tip #15 - 50,000 words? 500,000 words? 5,000,000 words? Easy as butter.
So what happens if you've finished your story, a beautifully crafted literary masterpiece of say, perhaps, 32,000 words? Maybe you're not destined to write the Great American Novel. Maybe your story is the Great American Novella. But if you still want to reach that 50,000 word goal, remember the lesson of Land o Lakes butter. At the "end" of your story, have your main character pick up a book and start reading. What book? Do you really have to ask? Your book, of course, starrring your main character. Book - character - book - character - book - character. What's that you see disappearing in your rear view mirror? Why that would be your 50,000 word goal, as you go hurtling past, into the infinite.

Take your manuscript on a trip tonight "to infinity and beyond." But leave yourself enough time to come back tomorrow for another NaNoWriMo tip of the day.

NaNoWriMo Tip #14

2010-11-23T04:52:00.002-05:00

I realize that there are lots of people who say they're not good with numbers, but it seems to me that most folks secretly love the magical power of numbers:

76 trombones
50,000 words
33 shopping days until Christmas
4 calling birds
3 french hens
2 turtle doves
and
NaNoWriMo Tip #14 - What better way to celebrate NaNoWriMo than to write a counting book?
Most counting books stop at 10 or thereabouts. Why? Why not a counting book that goes from 1 to 50,000? Compared to planning a 50,000 word plot-driven story line, it should be possible to get to your 50,000 word goal fairly easily. Which is a good thing. Because, you'll need time to draw the pictures that accompany each number. And some of those pictures might take a little time. 17,892 elephants. 34,645 giraffes. 49,399 hippopatumuses.

And if you manage to finish the illustrations, you might want to spend some time in the gym, pumping iron. Because it's not gonna be easy lifting I Can Count to 50,000. Can You?
And then stop back tomorrow for NaNoWriMo Tip #15.

NaNoWriMo Tip #13

2010-11-22T04:00:00.003-05:00

The timing of today's tip is tricky. You need to be much closer to the end of November and panicking about your word count before you're going to give this tip the consideration it deserves. But the tip requires a great deal of preparation. So if I wait until you need it, it'll be too late.

NaNoWriMo Tip #13 - Start collecting monkeys.And typewriters. You're probably familiar with the expression, "If you sit enough monkeys down in front of a typewriter and wait long enough, eventually one of the monkeys will write Hamlet." The good news is genre fiction takes less time than Shakespeare (the monkeys don't have to worry about that pesky iambic pentameter). Still when you finally decide to try this, you're not going to have much time. And, as good as the monkeys are, it is a bit of a statistical improbability. So you're going to need a lot of monkeys. And typewriters. That's why I'm sharing this tip with you now. Think of it as an insurance policy. Hopefully you'll never need it. Probably you'll never use it. But you'll sleep better knowing it's there.

I know that some of you are skeptical, but you're just gonna have to trust me on this one.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go clean out the monkey cages. But I'll be back tomorrow with another NaNoWriMo tip of the day.

NaNoWriMo Tip #12

2010-11-21T16:45:00.001-05:00

I'm often asked how I come up with my characters' names. The key is not to give your character a name, but rather to let your character reveal his/her name to you. Which gets back to my earlier post about knowing all the parts of your character's life, not just the parts that happen in the book. Most writers develop a set of tricks that help prompt that process of discovery. In my case, I practice finding names wherever I am and whatever else I'm doing. I've discovered that my characters are named after cartoon characters (Rocki and Bill Wehnke), after bad Latin puns (Officer Sububie), even after mis-prints on restaurant menus (Detective Eddie "Eggs" Bebedict). But if you're still struggling to name characters for nanowrimo, I believe there are other, more salient, considerations.

NaNoWriMo Tip #12 - Set your story in the south.
Why? I would hope by now that it would be obvious. So that, instead of giving your characters names like Billy or Bobbi, they can have names like Billy Joe or Bobbi Sue. I know that seems like a small thing right now, but when you find yourself at the end of the month, stalled with a word count of 49,998 you'll understand that every word is important. Every word counts. And Southern names count double.

Of course, the same is true about place names. There's no point to have a character living on Maple Road when they could be living on Sugar Maple Road. Even better, West Sugar Maple Road. Three thousand two hundred twenty nine West Sugar Maple Road.

Successful writers pay attention to the littlest details in their manuscript.

Stop back tomorrow for another NaNoWriMo tip of the day.

NaNoWriMo Tip #11

2010-11-21T16:40:00.001-05:00

I am well behind my NaNo goal of thirty tips in thirty days, so today I'm going to post a couple of tips about your characters.

How well do you know your main character? Your story represents a slice of the character's life (hopefully an interesting slice, but a slice nonetheless). So your character has a life outside the pages of your book. As the author, you need to know all of that life, even if your readers don't.

NaNoWriMo Tip #11 - Explore your main character's backstoryIf you don't know your main character well enough, the character won't ring true. To get to know the main character more fully, some writers take the time to write up a good deal of the character's life story even though it will never be included in the book. Some authors like to interview their characters in order to learn more about them.

When inexperienced writers learn something about their character, they tend to want to tell the reader right away, whether or not it contributes to the story, whether or not the reader needs to know. Which takes the focus away from your story. So, normally, it would be a mistake to fatten up your manuscript with unnecessary backstory. But these are not normal times. It's NaNoWriMo time, and that means it's all about the word count. Do you know something about your character that we don't? Put it in your manuscript. You can always edit it out on December 1.

Go learn something new about your main character. And don't forget to come back later for another NaNoWriMo tip of the day.

NaNoWriMo Tip #10

2010-11-10T11:46:00.000-05:00

I don't like writing sex. But my characters are adults. They have sex. When they're not having sex, they're talking about sex (sometimes they're talking about sex while they're having sex). And they're always thinking about sex. So I've learned how to write sex scenes that are descriptive, but not overt (I'm a "clean read" in Logan, Utah).

Anyway, if you're struggling to write the obligatory sex scene, perhaps I should be posting the obligatory nanowrimo sex tip.

NaNoWriMo Tip #10 - Be explicit.
Which is not the same as hardcore. Be hardcore if you want to. Or softcore. Or no core at all. In truth, I don't particularly care about the hardness of your core. What I do care about is what your characters are doing, saying, thinking and feeling. If there's a sex scene which is integral to the story-telling, then by all means tell it. Otherwise you're cheating the reader out of the emotional impact of the scene. And you're cheating yourself out of the word countage.

Some women make a lot of noise in bed (or so I've heard). Some not so much. Noisy women are better for your word count.

"Omigod. Omigod. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. My. God. Oh. My. God. Oh..... My.... God... Ohhhhh!"

It's all about the word count, baby.

NaNoWriMo Tip #9

2010-11-09T06:30:00.001-05:00

I realize it's only November 9, and you've still got plenty of time, but if you haven't started yet, perhaps it's time for some honest self-assessment. How badly do you want this? After all, even if you don't have a plot (tip #1), even if you don't have a kick-ass opening (tip #2), if you've been taking my advice, you have, at least, one word. And if you have one word, you have a word count of 1,700 (Tip #3).

So if you haven't started yet, we need to do something drastic before too much time goes by. Every writer's approach is a little bit different. And every writer gets stuck for their own unique reason. Which means I need a really good tip today.

NaNoWriMo Tip #9. Hire a ghostwriter.

I hear you chuckling out there, but I'm not kidding. Do you like to read celebrity tell-alls? I hate to burst your bubble, but the chances are your favorite celebrity didn't actually write the book that carries their name. The home run hitting author who quit school at 16 to chew tobacco and take extra batting practice isn't channeling F. Scott Fitzgerald. And the porn star author who dropped out of community college when she used her daddy's tuition check to buy a boob job and a bus ticket to Hollywood isn't channeling Emily Bronte. Which is why we now have celebrity authors complaining they were misquoted... in their autobiography.

Join the growing list of successful authors who never wrote a word. And come back tomorrow for another NaNoWriMo tip of the day.

NaNoWriMo Tip #8

2010-11-08T06:30:00.001-05:00

It seems that some of you spent time away from nano this week-end, finding your amusing anecdote and managing not to obsess too, well, obsessively, about your word count. Well done! As your reward, today's tip will more than make up for any temporary lull in said word countage.

Those of you who disliked Tip #3 (which recommended finding one word and repeating it endlessly) will hate today's tip. But for those of you who have already begun thinking about repeating sentences, even paragraphs, you're going to love today's tip, which comes to you direct from the world of popular music.

NaNoWriMo Tip #8 - Repeat a chapter

That's right. Repeat a chapter. Did you ever stop and think about the lyrics of popular music? All those verses telling some sort of musical story, and between each verse, a repeating chorus. And when you go out drinking with your friends and you hear the song, and no one knows all the verses, but everyone knows the chorus. And everyone sings the chorus, in a drunken celebration of life.

Wouldn't it be cool if authors were treated like rock stars? Wouldn't it be cool if readers sang along with your book? They would if your book had a chorus.

So what I'm suggesting is that between the chapters that move your plot forward (your book's verses) you write a short repeating chapter (your book's chorus). Before long, you'll have drunken readers reciting your chorus in bars all across America.

And don't forget to stop back tomorrow for another NaNoWriMo tip of the day.

NaNoWriMo Tip #7

2010-11-07T06:27:00.002-05:00

So far, I've directed my tips at those of you who may be struggling to get started. But I know that some of you are moving steadily through the early stages of your novel. In fact, a few of you are well ahead of schedule. Overachievers need tips too. So today's tip is especially for you.

NaNoWriMo Tip #7 - Get a life.

One day you're going to be a rich and famous author. And you're going to need amusing anecdotes to tell when you're interviewed by Oprah. You don't find amusing anecdotes sitting at a computer screen.

Go outside. Find (at least) one amusing anecdote. (Make believe you're doing a google search). And then come back tomorrow for another NaNoWriMo tip of the day.

NaNoWriMo Tip #6

2010-11-06T06:32:00.003-04:00

If you've been reading these tips from the start, you already know that I believe that plot is often given too much importance in assessing the quality of a book. So it might surprise you to learn that I believe sub-plots to be a crucial element of most books. After all, anyone can tell a simple story (well, maybe not anyone, and not necessarily a very good story, but you know what I mean). However, it takes a real command of your craft to inter-weave plot lines and build a story with complexity, texture and depth.

NaNoWriMo Tip #6 - Pay more attention to the development of your sub-plots

A good sub-plot can reveal something important about your character's character. We may learn something in the sub-plot that will help us understand the character's choices in the main story line. Or a good sub-plot might tell a seemingly unrelated story that offers up a different perspective on the book's theme. We are challenged as readers to forego the easy answer and to explore the theme in all its complexity and depth.

Rhythm and pacing are critical to good story telling. Writers can use sub-plots strategically to manipulate the reader's experience, to build anticipation, to deliver comic relief and to compel the reader to keep reading. And, if none of that is a sufficient reason to pay more attention to your sub-plots, it should be evident that sub-plots also benefit your word count.

Come back tomorrow for another NaNoWriMo tip of the day.

NaNoWriMo Tip #5

2010-11-05T06:35:00.002-04:00

If you read cozy mysteries, you are probably familiar with the practice of building a book series around a popular hobby (for example Deb Baker's doll-collecting mystery series or Terri Thayer's quilting mysteries). Publishers love these books because there's a pre-existing market for them. Fans love them because they can relate to the books' characters and stories.

But our focus this month is on word count, not sales figures, and, when it comes to word count nothing is better than cooking.

NaNoWriMo Tip #5 - Make sure your character loves to cook
Why? It should be obvious. So that you can insert recipes into the story. Like Honora Finkelstein and Susan Smiley did in their break-out mystery The Chef who Died Sauteing.

By now, I'm sure you're getting the hang of this. So I probably don't need to tell you to select really complicated recipes, recipes with lots of ingredients, recipes, that is to say, with lots of words.

Now, get out your pots and pans and the rest of your writing utensils and get to work on that cozy. And then come back tomorrow for another NaNoWriMo tip of the day.

NaNoWriMo Tip #4

2010-11-04T06:30:00.002-04:00

Do your characters sleep well? Why? If we assume that our characters are getting eight hours of sleep, that's 33% of their life. Even in our sleep-deprived culture, six hours per night represents 25% of their life. If there is something about a good night's sleep that is important to understanding your characters, by all means let them sleep. Otherwise, do something interesting with the time.

NaNoWriMo Tip #4 - Not everything your characters do is necessarily interesting, but everything is potentially interesting. It's your job to figure out the difference.

Perhaps your character has vivid dreams. Perhaps she's got insomnia and spends her nights counting sheep (no, strike that... counting is another tip for another day). Maybe she suffers from night terrors or walks in her sleep. Perhaps she wakes up bursting with poetry. If you've read my books, you know that when Cassie is sleeping, I have an opportunity to explore her unresolved feelings for her dead husband, Rob.

Don't sleep well tonight. And stop back tomorrow morning for a hot cup of coffee and another NaNoWriMo tip of the day.

NaNoWriMo Tip #3

2010-11-03T06:21:00.002-04:00

One of my favorite books is The Fan Man by William Kotzwinkle. I could tell you that I love the book because of the character at the center of the story, the extraordinary Horse Badorties, but today's tip has nothing to do with characterization. Today's tip is all about repetition. Let me say that again. Today's tip is all about repetition. The reason I love The Fan Man is chapter 21, also known as "It's Dorky-Day Once Again."

In chapter 21, Kotzwinkle repeats the word dorky approximately 1,700 times. You read that right. 1,700 times.

NanNoWriMo Tip #3 - Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
We've all heard the advice about cutting every unnecessary word from our manuscripts. And you should. Except when you shouldn't. Sometimes you've got to break the rules. Be a rebel. Sometimes what you need to do is repeat yourself. Ad infinitum. If Kotzwinkle had been writing The Fan Man for NaNoWriMo, 1700 dorkies would be a solid day's work, putting him right on pace to complete 50,000 words in 30 days (do the math 1700 x 30 = 51,000). Go find your word. And then write it 1,700 times.

Have a dorky day and come back tomorrow for another timely NaNoWriMo tip of the day.

NaNoWriMo Tip #2

2010-11-02T06:37:00.015-04:00

Okay. If you took my advice, you've got a plot and you're already churning out the pages. But some of you are not writing yet. Why? Because you don't know how to start. You figure that once you nail the opening, the rest will flow. But that first sentence has you stopped. (It hasn't stopped my good friend Anthony who sent me his terse opening "F%^k you." Then again, Anthony may not be writing a novel.)

NaNoWriMo Tip #2 - If you don't start, you won't finish.
Rather than find yourself stuck at the outset, searching for a great opening sentence, I thought I'd gift you one of the great opening sentences in the history of literature. Notice how, with the careful addition of a comma, I've made it my own. And as a bonus, if you're still hunting for a plot, today's tip comes with its own storyline.

I'm suggesting that you write a coming-of-age story about a shy teenage girl, sitting by her phone (in the age of cell phones, does anyone "sit by their phone"?). She's got a crush on a boy in her class, a dark-complected middle-Eastern transfer student with swarthy good looks, so she sits by her phone, hoping he'll call. She sits by her phone, imploring the phone to ring.

And the opening line that will propel this story to fame and fortune and 50,000 words?

"Call me, Ishmael."

Now, go write your masterpiece (and don't forget to come back tomorrow for another NanNoWriMo tip of the day).

NaNoWriMo Tip #1

2010-11-01T06:39:00.000-04:00

Greetings. I know that many of you are here from my other blog today. Some of you have signed up for NaNoWriMo and still more of you are currently debating whether you want to take on the challenge of writing 50,000 words in the next 30 days. In truth, 50,000 words is a daunting challenge. Unless you know the secret.

You see, professionals have special tricks we use to turn even the slimmest of ideas into epic novels. Every day for the next 30 days, I plan to reveal another trick that can help you reach your goal.

NaNoWriMo Tip #1 - PLOT
Plot is perhaps the most over-rated element of most novels. Still, it is hard to write a book without one. Even though your plot may not contribute much in the way of quality, it can do wonders for your word count. So it will be easier to write 50,000 words if your story has a plot. You're skeptical, I know. I can hear you asking, "But where do I find one of those... whatchamacallit... plot things? Do what the professional writer does. Steal one.

And then come back tomorrow for NaNoWriMo Tip #2.

Coming soon - your NaNoWriMo tip of the day

2010-10-27T08:21:00.003-04:00

In 2007, largely for the entertainment of a handful of friends who were participating in NaNoWriMo, I posted a NaNoWriMo Tip of the Day every day during the month of November. The tips were tongue-in-cheek suggestions for reaching the NaNo goal of 50,000 words in one month. Over the course of the month, the daily tips found a large audience and (god help us all) some of you actually found the tips helpful. I have been pleasantly surprised to receive messages every year since, asking me to re-post my daily tips. This year, I have set up this blog specifically for NaNo. So, beginning November 1, and every day during the month of November, you can stop here for your daily tip. I can't promise you it will make you a better writer. I can't even promise that you'll reach your NaNo goal. But I will do what I can to entertain you along the way. Just think of me as your Literary Mohel - 30 tips in 30 days.